Monday, March 10, 2008

Life Is...Hard Sometimes

Life changes even when you are not prepared...I received word that my Dad's heart is only pumping at 40% and it is not able to maintain a steady heart beat. He has already had triple bypass surgery a few years back...and I am told he is not a candidate for a implantable cardioverter-defibrillator.
Part of me feels like I need to go see him and just clear things up, but then the other part of me feels like I lost my father years ago. I take pride in being a very caring person and it is so not like me to question the options. I spoke to him on the phone and he didn't even remember Logan's name and was surprised that he was already two. I had to fight back every tear because I was truly hurt by that. He spent most of the conversation talking about his will and what he wanted to do with his land...but all I wanted was..a "I Miss You" or a "I Am Sorry I Have Screwed Things Up So Bad".
All I know is I want God to treat him well and make everything okay.
He has caused a fire inside me that makes me work so very hard at being the best parent I can be..because no child should ever feel what me and my siblings had to feel. I just wish more people took greater pride in their parental role.

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